Guest Post: Craig Carton

September 21, 2010 – 11:10 am by Jimmy Shapiro

On Tuesdays, will have a guest column penned from one of the many sports radio hosts whose interviews you see here often on SRI. This week’s column is courtesy of Craig Carton of WFAN in New York. He co-hosts the morning show with Boomer Esiason which is also simulcast on MSG.  As I said in my guest column on NBC Sports, no sports radio host in the country makes me LOL as much as Craig Carton does.  Read below and you’ll find out why.

When Jimmy asked me to write a “column” for him I said yes right away because for one I like him and his website and secondly and much more importantly I couldn’t remember if he still had those disturbing photos of me from last years Super Bowl.

Married with three kids, I wasn’t willing to take the chance that he did have the pics and would one day tell AJ over at Deadspin about them like Jenn Sterger did about alleged photos of Brett Favre. “Of course I’ll write a column for you I said.” When I finally got around to writing it about a month after he asked I had completely forgotten what he wanted me to write about so I called him and asked and then before writing it I got immersed into ESPN’s 4th consecutive hour of Brett Favre is coming back, no he isn’t, yes he is coverage and fell blissfully asleep.

You gotta hand it ESPN they report he’s coming back and then go to every single insider they have and all of them say they haven’t heard that he is coming back but they do know whether or not he folds the toilet paper or scrunches it up after dropping the deuce.

He folds apparently while I scrunch, who has time to be neat when cleaning the back door?

When I awoke I was immediately startled by how bad HD TV is to Rachel Nichols, I truly think she has a defamation suit against the technology, and then went to my computer to write. Problem was the deep coma I had just come out of completely robbed me of the ability to remember what the hell Jimmy told me. To be honest I couldn’t even remember whom Jimmy was or why I agreed to write a column for him.

I didn’t have the heart to call him again and give him a complex so I tried to figure out what he would want me to write about.

I figured sports talk radio as a medium, perhaps a major story in the news, or what its like working with Boomer Esiason on WFAN Radio every day like I do. Not being able to decide on any one thing I came up with a genius idea;  give myself even more work and write about all of them and then I thought shit why not write about everything on my mind.

I like a challenge after all so I set one parameter for the column; everything I would write about I would have to adhere to THE RULES OF TWITTER.

Quick thoughts. Quick thoughts, I said to myself kinda like Kevin Costner in Bull Durham saying Quick Bat Quick Bat” but a lot different of course unless you count my wife role playing as Annie Savoy and hiding under my desk waiting to pleasure or punish me based on how good or bad my grammar is.

I do have a Journalism degree somewhere in this house lets see if its worth the shitty paper its written on.

Here goes:

Joe Cocker’s song “Leave Your Hat On” is simply the best song ever played in a strip club, unless its amateur night or you are there for the Buffet at noon, then it doesn’t really matter what is playing because you need serious diagnostic help.

That was easy.

How come when people die they instantly become great guys, selfless and amazing? George Steinbrenner wasn’t a nice guy by any public account while alive. He has the 3rd longest banishment from baseball behind Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe, of course you wouldn’t know that if you never heard of him before this Summer just saying.

AROD is a stud, he might be dumb as a stump, but a stud for sure and further proves why I wish every NY Met did performance-enhancing drugs back in 2000 so I would have another positive World Series memory to go along with 1986. That one was too many Jagermeister shots ago and is getting a little hazy.

Let me get this straight, a freshman at USC who was all of 13 while Reggie Bush’s family was living like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air can’t transfer without penalty and wont be in a bowl game.

I wish I owned a baseball team in an undesirable location like, well I don’t know how bout Pittsburgh. The Yankees fund them entirely, they don’t pay anybody, no one watches them play and they make as big a net profit as anybody, well played sign me up for that deal any day.

The Friendly’s Fribble is still for my money the best milkshake ever made followed by the Shamrock Shake at McDonalds.

The NFL is a multi billion dollar entity and they still cant figure out how to hire full-time refs under 65 years old. Instead they allow billions of dollars to change hands based on the calls of a bunch of guys who look like my grandfathers shuffleboard team.

How come the biggest prick at every one of my kids youth sports games is the guy that clearly never played when he was a kid and what kind of woman sleeps with that guy.

I could go on all day but Jimmy, I think his name is Jimmy, must have some limit on how long a guest column can be so let me wrap it up with some rapid fire thoughts for general consideration.

How do they make the machines that make things?

Am I the only guy who saved every Little League Trophy he ever got?

Jeremiah Weed Sweet Tea Vodka is too good to be true(mix it with Lemonade for the John Daly)

Is it me or has Rex Ryan gained weight?

Krystal Forscutt: nuff said

Thanks and hope you enjoyed the column

Craig Carton

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